Illinois State Police

VAT DA HELL, OLE?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In Court, the Trucking Company's Lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say, Sir, at the Scene of the Accident, "I'm fine?"  asked the lawyer. Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust

loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da....." "I didn't ask for any details," the Lawyer interrupted. "Just

answer the question. Did you not say, at the Scene of the Accident,"I'm  fine?" Ole said, "Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da Trailer and I vas

driving down da road.....  The Lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the Scene of the Accident, this man told

the  State trooper on the Scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks 

after the Accident he is trying to sue my Client. I believe he is aFraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the Lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his 

Favorite Mule, Bessie." Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my Favorite Mule, into da Trailer and vas driving 

her down da highvay ven dis huge Semi Truck and Trailer ran da Stop Sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and 

Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to  move.  However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she

was  in terrible shape yust by her groans." "Shortly after da Accident da trooper, he came to da Scene. He could hear Bessie moaning

and  groaning so he vent over to her."  "After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes."

Den da trooper, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now vat da hell vould YOU say?"

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
 

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do you know you were speeding"?
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating . . .

 "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where in the hell I was going."

A highway 

patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the 

freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see 

that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 

Realizing 

that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, 

the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his 

bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

A police 

officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very 

nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act 

together.  Just yesterday you take away my license 

and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?""Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight up, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

 YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds a go because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)
 

One Fast Cop!
 

ABOUT 3 A. M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, TROOPER BORMAN OF THE KANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF WINFIELD, KANSAS . HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING. PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE TROOPER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM. THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE TROOPER STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO "DRIVE" AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.THE TROOPER , HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN TROOPER BORMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM WINFIELD WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE TROOPER WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR. WHO SAYS TROOPERS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor?
 

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country...  

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."   

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."  "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." 

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"  "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"  

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"  

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."  

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."    

"Just how big were those two beers?"

'No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,  but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
 

and the best one . . . . .
 

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
 

 12 THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
 

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around..  That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
 

SOLVE THE 4  MYSTERIES
carefully. now, they are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss the clue !!!
 

Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?
 

Question 2
A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?
 

Question 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there.  There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside.
That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward." The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Question 4
If you touch me, you will die, but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest. What am I?
 

Try to solve these Mysteries before looking at the answers below.
 

ANSWERS:
 

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on Sunday!
 

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
 

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`s body.
 

4. Death

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought," What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

 Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland. When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go on.

Now This IS Drunk

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.  His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over.  They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.  Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in

a house around the block.  The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.  When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door.  The police ask if Mr. Smith is there and the wife says yes.  The police ask to see him and the wife replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police still have his driver's license.  The police ask to see his car

and the wife asks why.  The police insist on seeing his car, so the wife takes the police to the garage. The wife opens the garage door; and there, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.