Jokes You Can Tell in Church
The light turned yellow as he approached the traffic lights....
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection....
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.... The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up....
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.... After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door....
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.... He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake....
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him....
I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....
I assumed you had stolen the car....
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
I love this one!
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
Grandfather of the Year...
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies and all sorts of other things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long."
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William.
Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.
William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William. This little brat's name is Kevin."
--------------------
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly
to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing... We'll be
gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife, she does
exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but otherwise
looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, ‘Yes ! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But then he asks, 'But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'
{You'll love the answer}
The wife replies, "I did, Honey. They're in your tackle box."
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 30 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
When you do squats are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
An old lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. " The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. " As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too. " The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. " Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water " Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? " The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "
'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy woman catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?" "
Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place !!)
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
Senior Prayer
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.
“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Husband:
My wife is missing! She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up...
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
JEWISH MOTHER (A GEM)
The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-smantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother
who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor.
ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her.
AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came
flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings. At bedtime, she would repeat the lines from the prayer after me. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. Amen."
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.’Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied.......................................................................................................'Been married to your sister for 48 years. '
From "Between Heaven and Mirth" by James Martin, SJ
There's a story told about people from different religious denominations who are traveling on a bus to an ecumenical conference for Christian Unity Week. While singing songs together, they become so distracted that they run off the road and hit a telephone pole, die, and go to Heaven.
The crowd meets St. Peter, who welcomes all of them. "Okay," he says. "First the Episcopalians. Welcome to Heaven. Since you've all led good Christian lives and enriched us so much liturgically, go into Room Five, but on the way make sure not to look inside Room One." The Episcopalians walk happily over to Room Five.
Then he says to the Baptists, "Welcome Baptists. Thanks for all the great preaching and witnessing you've done during your lives. Why don't you take Room Two, but make sure not to peek into Room One."
Then he turns to another group and says, "Methodist, nice to see you! Thanks for leading such good Christian lives and for all those great hymns. Why don't you all go into Room Three? But make sure not to go into Room One."
Finally, one of the Methodists says to St. Peter, "Can I ask you something? What's in Room One?"
St. Peter says, "Oh, that's where the Catholics are. They think they're the only ones up here."
CAJUN BAPTISTS... Reverend Boudreaux was the “part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church” and Pastor Thibodeau was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: "The End is Near. Turn Yor Self 'Roun Now, Afore It Be Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!' From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.........'Bridge Out?'"
While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all the corners of the world.
And then She smiled and made the earth round.
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'' There was dead silence on the line for a moment..
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People..
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
silence, "I think I'd throw up.."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with
just two worms."
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he
just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm
23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn,
he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,
and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked
him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant
of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How
come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The
little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why
do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because
everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't
need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We
always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house."
Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
Secret Catholic Stuff This information is for Catholics only. It must not to be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are. AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy) MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. He, of course, is known as "The Chip Monk."
BAPTIZING A Poor Drunk
A guy who had a few too many is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, here upon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"The drunken shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunken replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunken answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is
at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls
him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....) The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens
to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book
in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.
Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible
and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"
The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
The Left Hand of God
--------------------
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on
Saturday morning. It had been snowing all
night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery?
Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God
did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on
God's right hand!"
)><{{{*>
What God Looks Like
-------------------
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
)><{{{*>
God With Skin On
----------------
There's this little boy named Timmy. Timmy was very afraid of the lightning and
the thunder. His mom and dad went into his room during a thunderstorm and said,
"Now, Timmy, don't be afraid. God is right
here in the room with you."
He said, "Okay, Mommy and Daddy, I won't be afraid."
But then as the mommy and daddy went into their room and started to get ready
for bed, the lightning clapped, and the thunder rolled, and
Timmy screamed bloody murder. Timmy's daddy and mommy went back into
the room and said, "Honey, we thought we told you, you don't need to be afraid.
God is right here in the room with you."
Timmy said, "Mommy and Daddy, I know God is right here in the room with me, but
I need someone with skin on."
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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