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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest
met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began
their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really
delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I
know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a
wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.
You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia
Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest
with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. UGH!
Bible Stories by Kids
We all need a good laugh and these are enjoyable. A book titled
Little Wonders,
by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children.
This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try
to do more than
baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their
time in our special
junior
church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in
biblical history.
At the end
of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to
chronicle what they have
learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some
intriguing responses.
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let
our junior church
students help
you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from
their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is
one," but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
"Give me a light!"
and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but
they weren't
embarrassed
because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have
cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million
or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his
kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton
Heston.
Moses led the
Israel
Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the
Israel
Lights every day with manicotti.
Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include
don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses
a bad word for
bottom that I'm not supposed
to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he
talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of
one more: Humor they
father and they mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He
had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't
sound very wise to me. After Solomon
there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some
minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry
about them
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn,
too, because my mom is always saying to me,
"Close the door! Were you born in a
barn" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.").
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys
put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up
for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again. He went up to
Heaven but will be back
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
Morris and his wife Esther went to the
state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd
like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know
Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars
is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to
the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride
that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris
that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and
said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a
ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I
won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris
and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over
and over again, but still not a word.
When they
landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you
the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and,
being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she
sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and
tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a
room for de night."
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm
sorry, madam, but our hotel is
completely
booked."
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key
and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take
his room."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you
understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to
Jews."
"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a
Cat'lic."
In o bvious disblief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a
Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of
God?"
"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus'
mother and father?"
"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs.
Rosenberg
, testily.
Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"
"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming
agitated.
"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the
clerk.
"'Cause a schmuck like you vouldn't rent a room to
Jews!!!"
To
commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a
special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit
of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite
Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the
lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, it is special!!!
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of
magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and
heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my
favorite
things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones
and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our
short
shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow
dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over
four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit
and humor with others who would appreciate it.)
WHY AM I MARRIED?
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
CATHOLIC
SCHOOL
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look
on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word,
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly
laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer
hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was
it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around."
_
Wife from hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir
The driver says,
Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60
Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control.
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife And
growls Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?
The wife smiles demurely and says,
You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
Detector
unit, The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
Dam it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?
The officer frowns and says,
And I notice that you're not wearing your Seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.The driver says,Yeah, well,
You see officer,I had it on,
But took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of
my back pocket. The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to
his wife and barks, WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?
Only when he's been drinking.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery. He
awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic
Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding
how he
was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank,"
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen we r e
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... The one that's red and has
thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?"
The Wisdom of the
Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Jack stole the rabbi's
gold watch and afterwards began to feel guilty about what he did. After
a sleepless night, he went to see the rabbi
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch," Jack admitted sheepishly.
"But Jack, that's forbidden," replied the Rabbi. "You should return it
immediately!"
"What shall I do?"
"Give it back to the owner," answered the Rabbi.
"Do you want it," asked Jack slyly.
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it," said Jack.
"In that case Jack," pronounced the Rabbi, "you can keep it."
A man named Irving
goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
it."
"What's wrong?" Asked the Rabbi
Irving replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Irving pleads, "I'm telling you Rabbi, I'm certain she's poisoning me!
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, "Well, I have spoken to
your wife - I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?"
Irving anxiously responds, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing
what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are
on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest
man, and very generous."
Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he
was very good to his parishioners."
Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."
An elderly gentleman.
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How
do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went
out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last
night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write
it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness
sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful."
No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to
go to the dentist "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't
want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman
said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him
your tooth, dear."
Ponderings.........
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats
instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking
is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a
driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have
parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a
mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work
in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why
are there locks on the doors?
Today
we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr.
Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
No one
knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago
lost
in bureaucratic red tape.
He
will be remembered as having cultivated
such
value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain,
why
the early bird gets the worm and < BR>that life isn't always
fair.
Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
and reliable Parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student,
only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when
schools were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student
became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses;
and criminals recei ved better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize that a
steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust, his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone.
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